On Articles of Clothing and Lawyers from the 1880s Who Hang Out at My Parents' House

You Can’t Wear that Shirt If You Want to Be My Friend!

Dream Description:
In this dream, it was Wednesday evening.  I drove to Liberty University to pick up some friends who ride with me to church choir practice.  In the waking world, this is an actual event that takes place every Wednesday.  I always drive to LU and pick up these people.  When I pulled up to the Music Hall where they were waiting for me in my dream, one of my friends—Andrew—was wearing the same shirt as me.  I was incensed.  I was filled with rage, and I rolled down the car window before he even got in and said, “No.  Go change.”  Then we were back at his dorm, and I made him change his shirt.

ANALYSIS:
I am such a jerk.

At first, I thought this dream just meant that I subconsciously hate Andrew even though consciously, I like him very much.  But then I started thinking that I must be against all types of solidarity and brotherhood.  I think that if this had happened in real life, I would have wanted to do the same thing.  I would have wanted to tell him to go change his shirt.  I wouldn’t have actually done it, but it would have been my first inclination.  Why?  Because I’m a jerk.  Because I want to have my own style, my own unique personality, my own identity that is special and separate from everyone else.  Narcissism.

Obviously, I have Jealous-Red-Envy-Gollum Syndrome, which is a disease that makes you angry when white people wear the same clothes as you.  The pseudo-cure for this disease is to yell at Republicans.

This dream also signifies how Andrew is awesome, and I should be more like him.  Less like a perfectly unique snowflake, more like a cog in an enormous grandfather clock; less like a self-absorbed void, more like a benevolent soul; less like an asshole, more like a human being.

The Lawyers from the 1880s are Dueling in my Parents’ Bedroom

Dream Description:
I was at my parent’s house in Maryland which was also a saloon filled with lawyers from the 1880s or something.  They all had on 1800s-looking suits and hats.  And there was a western saloon bartender guy in my parents’ bedroom, so if you wanted a beer, you could just go to my parents’ bedroom.  We were all watching TV—me and the 1880s lawyers—when I realized that I needed to brush my teeth.  I opened a tube of toothpaste, and ice cream and oreos kept coming out of it instead of toothpaste.  So I spread the ice cream/oreo mixture all over my teeth.

ANALYSIS:
The lawyers represent adulthood.  The fact that they were all drinking beer and hanging out at a saloon is significant because it shows that even refined, moral people are allowed to drink, which is why I’m a Presbyterian.  Saloons are normally places associated with angry drunks, loose women, tawdry entertainment, and violent duels.  For my brain to place respectable, law-abiding citizens in such a setting shows that I am super mature and responsible . . . I guess.

On the other hand, the saloon was also my parents’ house, so maybe this dream represents the few high school parties I had at my parents’ house when I was a teenager—parties in which pizza was eaten, board games were played, and PG movies were viewed.  Yeah, I was a bad-ass in high school.

The moral of the story is that you should always brush your teeth.

Forbidden Fruit

Forbidden Fruit

Dream Description:
In this dream, I kept eating rotten fruit for breakfast even though I knew I had fresh fruit in the kitchen.  I found the rotten fruit in my laundry, and I remembered how I had bought it like two months ago.  It tasted really good even though it was rotten, so I just kept eating it.

I was also on facebook, and I kept posting this as my status:

“March is kind of like Jesus.  They both have that Lion/Lamb thing going on.”

I posted it about sixteen times.


ANALYSIS:
On the surface, this dream is about religion.  At first glance, it is easy to see that the laundry fruit is just like the forbidden fruit from the Garden of Eden story.  I am obviously encroached upon by sinful behaviors such as forgetting to do my laundry and forgetting to do the dishes—and basically just being a disgusting man.

From a more thorough analysis, however, it is clear that this dream signifies that dinosaurs from outer space exist.  And they are on facebook.  And they will have a war with zombies in the year 2017.  And it will be awesome.

That’s actually the dream I wish I’d had.

Also, at the Second Coming, Jesus will not be riding a white horse, but a white dinosaur—probably a t-rex, possibly a velociraptor.

So this dream is really more of a prophecy than an insight into the human subconscious.


THIS TOO:
I wrote this poem right when I woke up, with my dreams fresh on my mind.  I just wrote whatever came to my head.  I didn’t try to make it good.  I didn’t try to make it anything.  I didn’t edit it at all.  It just is what it is.  Not serious, not real, just there.  I hope you enjoy it:

When I sleep with the fruit by my bed
I have diamonds like belief in my head
And the fruit grows to be twice its size
When I reach for it, know I’m alive

No one else in the world could be mad
When they see how I’m loved by my dad
Or when they bite into rotten fruit
I know I have a brain that I use

Rotten fruit like a sickness in my cup
With the worms and disease fill me up
Like a sin that you touch for just once
By your bed, keep it there for to love

Just like Eve in her garden of Dreams
I have traded the bright, heavy Green
For the wrong and distracted obscene
For the fruit that I eat by my bed
Is the rotting disease in my head
Eat it up, fill my cup by the tree
Satan is looking up right at me
Then my arm falls asleep, and it’s back to reality.

That’s my poem that I wrote when I was high on dreaming.

Special Music

Dream Description:
I am at the church I grew up in . . . except in the dream, the church is now having services at a huge baseball stadium rather than the church sanctuary.  This one woman from the church who DOES NOT play any musical instruments in real life is playing the piano.  At the end of the service, they give a Billy Graham-style altar call in which they say they need more people to do special music so you should come forward if you feel convicted to sing special music.

I feel really convicted, so I come forward and tell the piano lady that I will sing the following Sunday.  I don’t remember what song I chose to sing, but we have a rehearsal for it, and I am really flat in certain parts.  So I go to the practice rooms at Liberty University and ask Mrs. Snell if I can use a practice room even though I graduated.  She tells me that it costs 20 cents to use a practice room for an hour.  I am elated and gladly hand two dimes to the music monitor.

Then I am at The Burrow (the name for the basement apartment where three of my friends live) and my friends Stephanie and Asherah make fun of me for responding to an altar call and singing special music at my home church.  My friend Leah is there too, but she doesn’t make fun of me.

Suddenly, it is the morning of the church service.  My mom and I were going to drive together, but for some reason, she randomly starts having a baby.  I am really annoyed that she has to give birth before we can leave.  My mom is really annoyed too.  She doesn’t want to be late for church.

After the baby is born, we get in my car to leave, but everything in the car is backwards.  The steering wheel is facing the back windshield, so I back up just fine, but then I have to turn my head to go forward.  I know I won’t be able to drive that way to stadium church, so my mom and I steal a car that isn’t backwards and messed up.  We put the baby in a plastic yellow bag and it turns into a 2-year-old named Chelsea who can talk and walk.

Finally, we arrive at stadium church just as it is starting.  I make my way up to the front.  I am really upset that I won’t get anymore practice time with the piano lady, but I take my seat in the front and get ready my solo.  Then I woke up.


ANALYSIS:
The baseball stadium church represents the way in which the megachurch has corrupted America.  It represents how I feel confused and manipulated into singing stuff for churches where the music is lame.

The Billy Graham-style altar call represents a cognitive disorder I may have called Bearded Beardless Boxcar Belligerent Disorder—a disease that causes me to wish to be able to grow a beard in order to please other people.

The cheap price of the practice rooms represents the value of pop music being sung in church.

My interaction with Steph, Asherah, and Leah shows that subconsciously, I trust Leah to be respectful of my feelings more than I trust Stephanie or Asherah.  Or it might mean that I am afraid of what people think of me, but I don’t care what Leah thinks of me.  Or it might mean that I secretly want to be a duck.

My baby sister who doesn’t exist in real life represents how I really wanted my youngest brother to be a girl.  I don’t know why, but when I was five and my mom was pregnant with my youngest brother, I got really upset when I found out he was going to be a boy.  I wanted a little sister.  Apparently, I still do.

The car represents how backwards life can be when you are late for something.  Everything that can go wrong will go wrong—everything.  Your car will morph into a backwards freak of nature.

The plastic yellow bag represents education.

The stadium represents the Muppets.

The piano lady represents hope for the future.

Amen.

Leah's Dream

A guest dreamer, Leah Melfi, has requested I post and analyze a dream she had several months ago:

Dream Description:
I was doing one of my performances and a guy who had a crush on me was apparently filming me the whole time even though I had no idea.  He even got video of me in the dressing room.  Later, I had a dream within a dream about him.  I woke up in the regular dream to find him in my room with the video tape he recorded.  He played it for me and part of it was me talking to Matt Nabinger about how weird he is.  Then he asked me why I thought he was weird and all his teeth started falling out.  Then we were at a restaurant and he had me chained to a chair and my friends Matt and Stephanie came out of nowhere with saws and cut the chains.


ANALYSIS:
This is a textbook case of the Crushing Hermeneutical Blue Dahlia Syndrome Condition.  This is a very treatable pseudo-psychosomatic condition in which the victim believes the self-worth of others is dependant upon her perception of them.  Sometimes, the victim also craves blue cheese salad dressing.  The cure is to throw darts at pictures of celebrities in magazines like Cosmo, 17, and even People.

A dream within a dream!  That means Leah is a prime candidate for inception!

The video tape represents Leah’s desire to keep some aspects of her life private.

The guy’s teeth falling out represents him being ugly.

Me and Stephanie freeing Leah from the chains shows how in real life, we would save Leah from a creepy dude like that.