On Articles of Clothing and Lawyers from the 1880s Who Hang Out at My Parents' House

You Can’t Wear that Shirt If You Want to Be My Friend!

Dream Description:
In this dream, it was Wednesday evening.  I drove to Liberty University to pick up some friends who ride with me to church choir practice.  In the waking world, this is an actual event that takes place every Wednesday.  I always drive to LU and pick up these people.  When I pulled up to the Music Hall where they were waiting for me in my dream, one of my friends—Andrew—was wearing the same shirt as me.  I was incensed.  I was filled with rage, and I rolled down the car window before he even got in and said, “No.  Go change.”  Then we were back at his dorm, and I made him change his shirt.

ANALYSIS:
I am such a jerk.

At first, I thought this dream just meant that I subconsciously hate Andrew even though consciously, I like him very much.  But then I started thinking that I must be against all types of solidarity and brotherhood.  I think that if this had happened in real life, I would have wanted to do the same thing.  I would have wanted to tell him to go change his shirt.  I wouldn’t have actually done it, but it would have been my first inclination.  Why?  Because I’m a jerk.  Because I want to have my own style, my own unique personality, my own identity that is special and separate from everyone else.  Narcissism.

Obviously, I have Jealous-Red-Envy-Gollum Syndrome, which is a disease that makes you angry when white people wear the same clothes as you.  The pseudo-cure for this disease is to yell at Republicans.

This dream also signifies how Andrew is awesome, and I should be more like him.  Less like a perfectly unique snowflake, more like a cog in an enormous grandfather clock; less like a self-absorbed void, more like a benevolent soul; less like an asshole, more like a human being.

The Lawyers from the 1880s are Dueling in my Parents’ Bedroom

Dream Description:
I was at my parent’s house in Maryland which was also a saloon filled with lawyers from the 1880s or something.  They all had on 1800s-looking suits and hats.  And there was a western saloon bartender guy in my parents’ bedroom, so if you wanted a beer, you could just go to my parents’ bedroom.  We were all watching TV—me and the 1880s lawyers—when I realized that I needed to brush my teeth.  I opened a tube of toothpaste, and ice cream and oreos kept coming out of it instead of toothpaste.  So I spread the ice cream/oreo mixture all over my teeth.

ANALYSIS:
The lawyers represent adulthood.  The fact that they were all drinking beer and hanging out at a saloon is significant because it shows that even refined, moral people are allowed to drink, which is why I’m a Presbyterian.  Saloons are normally places associated with angry drunks, loose women, tawdry entertainment, and violent duels.  For my brain to place respectable, law-abiding citizens in such a setting shows that I am super mature and responsible . . . I guess.

On the other hand, the saloon was also my parents’ house, so maybe this dream represents the few high school parties I had at my parents’ house when I was a teenager—parties in which pizza was eaten, board games were played, and PG movies were viewed.  Yeah, I was a bad-ass in high school.

The moral of the story is that you should always brush your teeth.

Forbidden Fruit

Forbidden Fruit

Dream Description:
In this dream, I kept eating rotten fruit for breakfast even though I knew I had fresh fruit in the kitchen.  I found the rotten fruit in my laundry, and I remembered how I had bought it like two months ago.  It tasted really good even though it was rotten, so I just kept eating it.

I was also on facebook, and I kept posting this as my status:

“March is kind of like Jesus.  They both have that Lion/Lamb thing going on.”

I posted it about sixteen times.


ANALYSIS:
On the surface, this dream is about religion.  At first glance, it is easy to see that the laundry fruit is just like the forbidden fruit from the Garden of Eden story.  I am obviously encroached upon by sinful behaviors such as forgetting to do my laundry and forgetting to do the dishes—and basically just being a disgusting man.

From a more thorough analysis, however, it is clear that this dream signifies that dinosaurs from outer space exist.  And they are on facebook.  And they will have a war with zombies in the year 2017.  And it will be awesome.

That’s actually the dream I wish I’d had.

Also, at the Second Coming, Jesus will not be riding a white horse, but a white dinosaur—probably a t-rex, possibly a velociraptor.

So this dream is really more of a prophecy than an insight into the human subconscious.


THIS TOO:
I wrote this poem right when I woke up, with my dreams fresh on my mind.  I just wrote whatever came to my head.  I didn’t try to make it good.  I didn’t try to make it anything.  I didn’t edit it at all.  It just is what it is.  Not serious, not real, just there.  I hope you enjoy it:

When I sleep with the fruit by my bed
I have diamonds like belief in my head
And the fruit grows to be twice its size
When I reach for it, know I’m alive

No one else in the world could be mad
When they see how I’m loved by my dad
Or when they bite into rotten fruit
I know I have a brain that I use

Rotten fruit like a sickness in my cup
With the worms and disease fill me up
Like a sin that you touch for just once
By your bed, keep it there for to love

Just like Eve in her garden of Dreams
I have traded the bright, heavy Green
For the wrong and distracted obscene
For the fruit that I eat by my bed
Is the rotting disease in my head
Eat it up, fill my cup by the tree
Satan is looking up right at me
Then my arm falls asleep, and it’s back to reality.

That’s my poem that I wrote when I was high on dreaming.

Special Music

Dream Description:
I am at the church I grew up in . . . except in the dream, the church is now having services at a huge baseball stadium rather than the church sanctuary.  This one woman from the church who DOES NOT play any musical instruments in real life is playing the piano.  At the end of the service, they give a Billy Graham-style altar call in which they say they need more people to do special music so you should come forward if you feel convicted to sing special music.

I feel really convicted, so I come forward and tell the piano lady that I will sing the following Sunday.  I don’t remember what song I chose to sing, but we have a rehearsal for it, and I am really flat in certain parts.  So I go to the practice rooms at Liberty University and ask Mrs. Snell if I can use a practice room even though I graduated.  She tells me that it costs 20 cents to use a practice room for an hour.  I am elated and gladly hand two dimes to the music monitor.

Then I am at The Burrow (the name for the basement apartment where three of my friends live) and my friends Stephanie and Asherah make fun of me for responding to an altar call and singing special music at my home church.  My friend Leah is there too, but she doesn’t make fun of me.

Suddenly, it is the morning of the church service.  My mom and I were going to drive together, but for some reason, she randomly starts having a baby.  I am really annoyed that she has to give birth before we can leave.  My mom is really annoyed too.  She doesn’t want to be late for church.

After the baby is born, we get in my car to leave, but everything in the car is backwards.  The steering wheel is facing the back windshield, so I back up just fine, but then I have to turn my head to go forward.  I know I won’t be able to drive that way to stadium church, so my mom and I steal a car that isn’t backwards and messed up.  We put the baby in a plastic yellow bag and it turns into a 2-year-old named Chelsea who can talk and walk.

Finally, we arrive at stadium church just as it is starting.  I make my way up to the front.  I am really upset that I won’t get anymore practice time with the piano lady, but I take my seat in the front and get ready my solo.  Then I woke up.


ANALYSIS:
The baseball stadium church represents the way in which the megachurch has corrupted America.  It represents how I feel confused and manipulated into singing stuff for churches where the music is lame.

The Billy Graham-style altar call represents a cognitive disorder I may have called Bearded Beardless Boxcar Belligerent Disorder—a disease that causes me to wish to be able to grow a beard in order to please other people.

The cheap price of the practice rooms represents the value of pop music being sung in church.

My interaction with Steph, Asherah, and Leah shows that subconsciously, I trust Leah to be respectful of my feelings more than I trust Stephanie or Asherah.  Or it might mean that I am afraid of what people think of me, but I don’t care what Leah thinks of me.  Or it might mean that I secretly want to be a duck.

My baby sister who doesn’t exist in real life represents how I really wanted my youngest brother to be a girl.  I don’t know why, but when I was five and my mom was pregnant with my youngest brother, I got really upset when I found out he was going to be a boy.  I wanted a little sister.  Apparently, I still do.

The car represents how backwards life can be when you are late for something.  Everything that can go wrong will go wrong—everything.  Your car will morph into a backwards freak of nature.

The plastic yellow bag represents education.

The stadium represents the Muppets.

The piano lady represents hope for the future.

Amen.

Leah's Dream

A guest dreamer, Leah Melfi, has requested I post and analyze a dream she had several months ago:

Dream Description:
I was doing one of my performances and a guy who had a crush on me was apparently filming me the whole time even though I had no idea.  He even got video of me in the dressing room.  Later, I had a dream within a dream about him.  I woke up in the regular dream to find him in my room with the video tape he recorded.  He played it for me and part of it was me talking to Matt Nabinger about how weird he is.  Then he asked me why I thought he was weird and all his teeth started falling out.  Then we were at a restaurant and he had me chained to a chair and my friends Matt and Stephanie came out of nowhere with saws and cut the chains.


ANALYSIS:
This is a textbook case of the Crushing Hermeneutical Blue Dahlia Syndrome Condition.  This is a very treatable pseudo-psychosomatic condition in which the victim believes the self-worth of others is dependant upon her perception of them.  Sometimes, the victim also craves blue cheese salad dressing.  The cure is to throw darts at pictures of celebrities in magazines like Cosmo, 17, and even People.

A dream within a dream!  That means Leah is a prime candidate for inception!

The video tape represents Leah’s desire to keep some aspects of her life private.

The guy’s teeth falling out represents him being ugly.

Me and Stephanie freeing Leah from the chains shows how in real life, we would save Leah from a creepy dude like that.

The Nightmare of Spring

The following is a dream description and analysis of a crazy dream had by my friend Asherah Capellaro:

The Nightmare of Spring

Dream Description:
(Written by Asherah - The Patient)
This past Saturday I went to a concert that featured several of Stravinsky’s most famous works. Fourth on the program was part 2 from The Rite of Spring, which was composed for the ballet. It is a really terrifying, post-tonal work. That night I dreamed that I was actually at the ballet seeing The Rite of Spring instead of just hearing it. I’ve never, ever seen a version of this ballet so I don’t know where this choreography came from that I was dreaming about, but it was really creepy. I was dreaming about the end where the young maiden dances herself to death for a fertility ritual sacrifice. The stage was all dark and creepy and then, you know how in horror movies when it’s dark and then a light flashes and you think you see something scary but far away, and then after a few seconds the light flashes again and it’s a little bit closer, and then it flashes a third time and it’s a crazy inbred hill person in your face about to murder you? That’s how this part in the ballet was but instead of a crazy inbred hill person it was the dead girl. I remember feeling really afraid and nauseous. My friend Matt was sitting next to me (Matt whose blog you’re reading) and he was like, “Holy *&%#! This is freaking me out! Are you freaking out right now? Because, my brother-in-law is up in here freaking out!” Now, this part is confusing because, in real life, Matt doesn’t have a brother-in-law. He has two brothers. So I’m hoping that in my dream either Matt is married and his wife has a brother, or he has a sister who is married, because otherwise I’m concerned about where the ‘brother-in-law’ came from. Anyway, I was so scared I couldn’t answer him. At this point in the ballet people in the audience are getting up and running from the theatre in tears. They’re trying to get out of the theatre but they can’t because the doors are locked. Then some strange lady comes up to me and starts angrily telling me that I had better do something about the doors so that people can get out. I’m really confused about why she thinks I will be any help getting the doors unlocked because I’m just a grad-student and I don’t have that kind of authority. I get up anyway because I feel bad for the people who are trying to get out and I know that some of them are so scared that they really want to go to the bathroom to throw up, and I’m afraid if I don’t let them out they’ll start vomiting all over the theatre. Somehow I magically got the side doors to the theatre opened and the ballet ended and everything was ok.


ANALYSIS:
(Written by Matt - The Doctor)
The dreamer of this dream (Asherah “Baked Potato” Capellaro) clearly has a Messiah Complex.  She feels she can and must save the world from tragedy and vomit.

In the dream, the young maiden from the ballet actually represents Asherah.  The maiden’s dance signifies Asherah’s continuing battle with the teachings of Ghandi.  If she doesn’t think she has an intellectual battle with the teachings of Ghandi, she is wrong.  This battle wages within her heart even if she only knows it in her subconscious.  This is clear because of her expectation that the form of the dead girl would be an “inbred hill person.”  Only an intellectual battle with Ghandi’s teachings can be signified by inbred hill people.

The flashing lights and the dead girl represent the time-space continuum.  It also means that Asherah should wear sunglasses every day to protect her eyes.

Her nausea is probably a combination of eating a bad pierogi before bed and actually thinking about what 20th century music means.  Seriously, much of 20th century music is so devoid of hope, it’s enough to make anyone nauseous.  And pierogies before bed is never a good idea, Asherah.

My presence and the presence of my non-existent brother-in-law represent African American culture’s correct response to truly disturbing classical works like “The Rite of Spring.”  Re-read what I said in the dream.  I sound like a sensible, but gangsta black dude.

The nightmare as a whole represents what is known as Pseudo-Intellectual Recurring Night Owl Vision Holy Syndrome—a condition made famous by Zelda Fitzgerald (F. Scott Fitzgerald’s wife who killed herself).  This is a serious condition in which the brain perceives all 20th century art and literature as a means of psychological torture.  There is no cure for this disease . . . except for listening to Sufjan Stevens music.

Classic Messiah Complex with Pseudo-Intellectual Recurring Night Owl Vision Holy Syndrome.

Awesome Weekend Dreams

So I went to this weekend retreat thing in the woods with some guys from my church, and I have some real gems to share from the past two nights:

Chevy the Racist

Dream Description:

I am at the retreat, and everything looks the same as it does in the waking world.  Except a young version of Chevy Chase is our keynote speaker instead of the other dude who really spoke.  Picture Chevy Chase during his Saturday Night Live days.  He welcomes us by saying, “We’re so happy all of you are here.  All are welcome.  We want all kinds of people here” (and then he starts yelling like he has a demon inside him) “EXCEPT YOU @*$#!% FILIPINOS!”

And then I woke up.

ANALYSIS: 

My first thought after I woke up was, “Damn, Chevy.  Calm down.”  And then I started thinking, “Holy crap.  What is wrong with me that my subconscious hates Filipino people?”  I promise that I do not hate Filipino people.  I hate white people with a stern, impassioned vengeance (especially white men—they think they’re so cool with their business suits and receding hairlines).  But Filipino people are awesome.  I have no idea why Chevy Chase screamed at them in my dream.  Maybe I’m just a racist when I’m asleep.

The Meaning of Life

Dream Description:

I am again at the retreat.  It is pouring down rain.  I see myself in the dream walking down a sidewalk that doesn’t actually exist in the real world.  I am passing all these enormous gazebos while walking in the rain, but I don’t go into any of them for shelter—I just keep walking until I get to one gazebo where a really old man with a long, gray beard is sitting smoking a pipe.  He tells me something about the meaning of life, and I instantly forget it because a half-deer-half-human walks by.

ANALYSIS:

The rain represents the sadness we feel when engrossed in material possessions.

The gazebos are like metaphorical shelters we could take, but we are blind because it is raining.

The old man with the pipe represents Ernest Hemingway.

The deer-human represents my deep longing for centaurs to be real.  I know centaurs have the body of a horse (not a deer) with the torso of a man, but it is the same basic concept.  Imagine how awesome it would be if there were really centaurs, and they were just assimilated into society.  There would be centaur doctors, centaur teachers, centaur travel agents, centaur astronauts, centaur architects.  IT WOULD BE SO FREAKING AWESOME!  What if you could say to your friends, “Yeah.  My fourth grade teacher was a centaur.”  Or, “You should have that looked at by a doctor.  Here’s my doctor’s number.  He’s a centaur.  He’ll definitely be able to help you.”  That would be so cool.

Teeth

Dream Description:

My friend Asherah is working at a bar that I walk into.  She serves me a few drinks and a brownie sundae.  I was talking to a bunch of other people there, but I don’t remember who they were.  Slowly, I get this awful feeling in my gut that I am about to lose something very precious to me—like something awful and unbearably depressing is going to happen.  I am still sitting in a booth at this bar Asherah works at.  My back right molar starts to feel weird.  I reach into my mouth and feel that it is very loose, and it just comes right out.  I feel the gap in my mouth that the tooth has left, and I feel very sad.  I look at the tooth and realize that it is decayed and oddly shaped--it doesn't even look like a tooth should look.  Another tooth on my top set of teeth start to feel weird.  Full of dread, I reach into my mouth to wiggle it, and it comes out just as the other tooth did.  I feel the gap it has left and taste the blood on my gums.  I think, “Well, at least I still have all my front teeth, and if I smile in the right way, no one will know I’m missing teeth.”  But I am very sad sitting in the booth of the bar with my alcohol and brownie sundae remains, holding two of my teeth in the palm of my hand.

ANALYSIS: 

I once read somewhere that if you lose your teeth in your dream, it means you are feeling insecure about a major change in your life or you are possibly mourning some sort of loss.

I think the major change/loss in my life is that I’m not singing Messiah this year.  Also, I used to have a big tub of ice cream in my freezer, and now I don’t.

Actually, it is probably the loss of Lynchburg friends, which would make sense of Asherah’s presence in the dream.

So my teeth represent my friends who I can’t hang out with anymore.  They also represent saxophones.  And toy dinosaurs.  And chest hair.  I don’t know why.  They just do.

The brownie sundae is like going to an art film.  You think it is going to be awesome and make you an awesome person, but it just gives you diarrhea.

THE END

Holden Caulfield and Jesus

Holden C.

Dream Description:
In this dream, I am trapped at the bottom of a 50-foot well with a bunch of children.  I am throwing the children one by one all the way up the well with the strength of a superhero so they will be safe.  Slowly, I begin to wonder who is going to save me . . . . . . .

ANALYSIS:
In this dream, I am sort of like Holden Caulfield except instead of being the Catcher in the Rye, I am the Thrower in the Well.  This dream probably means that I have chronic psychosomatic pseudo-Christ figure syndrome--a debilitating condition that makes me mourn the loss of my innocent childhood and use curse words in really awesome ways.

Jesus Christ - Superstar

Dream Description:
Some old guy wearing a white t-shirt and a leather vest is putting on a rock concert.  I've never heard of him, but I am at his concert, and I am loving his music.  His hair is gray and he has a beard.  He's also really fat.  I look at a clock on the wall of the concert hall and see that it is 10:30.  I feel very irritated because I realize that I have to leave the rock concert now to get ready for a Concert Choir performance.  I am in PA 145 (the old band room at my college) about to change into my tux when this girl from Concert Choir comes up to me.  She is really worried about pronouncing words in German.  I tell her that the w's sound like v's and the j's sound like y's.  She is flabergasted by this news and pleads that I help her go through some of the text to our German pieces.  I oblige, but I am getting irritated because I still need to change into my tux.  The performance time is getting closer, and I am afraid Dr. Hugo will walk in, and I won't be ready.  I finally shut her up, but before I can change, my friend Stephanie comes up to me, and we start talking about public school vs. private school.  She tells me that the only thing she learned in public school was facts about the life of Harriet Tubman.  Then her mom home-schooled her from 2nd grade on.  (I don't think this is actually true of her--it was only true in my dream.)  We begin talking about spelling words, and I recount how I can still see the spelling word pages from my second grade spelling assignments in my head.  That's how I can spell. [In my dream journal, I spelled the word spell "speell" at like 4:30 in the morning.]  I get flustered because I am trying to end the conversation so that I can change and Dr. Hugo won't get mad at me for not being in concert dress.  Suddenly, Dr. Hugo walks in, and I am not ready.  I feel very afraid of his disapproval.

ANALYSIS:
In this dream, Dr. Hugo represents Jesus.  I am afraid that I spend too much time pleasing other people rather than preparing myself by dressing not in a tuxedo, but in love.

Also, I apparently find rock music more stimulating than classical music subconsciously.

The girl from concert choir represents crazy people.

Stephanie represents the joy of knowing how to spell words.

2nd grade represents 2nd grade.

Harriet Tubman represents Moses.

The old rock 'n' roll guy represents going to a minor league baseball game--you think you are going to hate it, and then you are pleasantly surprised because it is Thirsty Thursday and there's lots of beer.

The most important thing about this dream is that one of my college professors represents Jesus.